Healing

Five days in Florida with my Mom. That is what I needed. Two of those days also included my oldest brother, Bryan. That was a big bonus. When I left Kuwait after hearing of my father's death, I was an emotional wreck. I cried the whole way from Kuwait to West Palm Beach (that is a long trip, by the way). Looking back, I can say that ~75% of my tears were shed for my mother. I was so worried about her. How would she deal with this? She was alone down in Florida, while my Dad had passed away in Massachusetts. My brothers were both up north. I pictured my Mom alone and grief stricken, with nobody around to support her. I imagined what our 5 days would be like. I imagined that we would spend most of the time in tears together. Neither one of us has any trouble breaking the seal on our tear ducts.

When I got to my Mom's house in Jupiter, we hugged, and we kissed. No tears. We spent the 5 days reading our Kindles, hanging out at the pool, taking walks, and selling some of my Dad's toys (like his Trek OCLV that had barely been ridden). I taught my Mom how to use Skype so we can talk while I'm in Iraq, and so she can chat with the grandkids anytime she wants. Bryan came in on Wednesday, and then Bryan and I spent some time together. I don't think I've ever had an adult conversation with my brother longer than 10 or 15 minutes before. We had some nice long walks, and I really enjoyed my time with him.

My Mom cried a few times, and I welled up a few times. We talked about my Dad a lot. We talked about the good times we had. We also talked about some of the silly things he did because he was so darn stubborn and wouldn't listen to anyone tell him what he should be doing, even if it made perfect logical sense (don't eat a big bag of jelly beans if you are an insulin dependent diabetic, for instance). We spent a lot of time taking care of business - cancelling credit cards, working on getting my Mom up and running on her new laptop, listing on Craig's List, etc.

Five days of time spent being with family. It was healing time. I know now that my Mom is going to be okay. That was my biggest concern. I can say with complete honesty that I sincerely enjoyed my 5 days in Florida with my Mom and my brother. I miss my Dad, but if he had to pick a time to go, it was a pretty good time - since I was in Kuwait I was able to get out the same day. If I had been in Iraq it would have taken a few days. Thanks, Dad - for everything.

Someone to Watch Over Me….Goodbye Dad (written on plane from Kuwait with no sleep in an Ambien walking coma)

My Mom - the glue that held it all together

My uncle Marc (left) and my Dad

Dad - 9th grade?

Dad, around 20 years old

Christmas, Dad getting an alarm clock during the "lean years"!

A big promotion

I wasn't spoiled at all

Dad's Ameriprise photo

The obit

When I was 4 or 5, I remember my Dad fussing a good deal over his “baby girl”, his “princess”. I was the last of 3 children, and a last ditch effort at a girl. My 2 brothers are 6 (Dan) and 8 (Bryan) years old than me. The sperm apparently spun in the right direction, and I was born, 6 years after my brother Daniel, the middle child. During the 6 – 8 years since Dan and Bryan had been born, my Dad had been working his ass off at Abdow’s, and had become very successful. He was now what I considered “comfortable” at age 6. Dad was fun, funny and very active in the outdoors. Although I was his princess, he cut me NO breaks on the ski trails. He was taking me down black diamond trails at the age of 5, and double black diamonds at the age of 8. I cried a lot. I also got VERY good (after a good deal of side stepping). I took annual lessons until I was 14 or 15, until I was teaching the teacher. Then I quit. Dad and my brothers were very instrumental in my progression in skiing. There was some positive reinforcement, but I had to work really hard to get it. It was more about the lack of negative reinforcement. Did I say I got good? I got very good. I could have gone many ways with skiing. Unfortunately at age 15, as many of you know, I was not ready to commit to any life decisions. So I continue to half heartedly dabble. I half heartedly dabbled at many much less productive things, of which we needn’t go into here.

We went to Maine every summer. One of the more challenging hikes was The Precipice hike. It was only about a 2.5 mile hike, but the first ½ was up hill and the second half was downhill. The first time I did this with my dad I was 5. I wasn’t tall enough to make some of the reaches from one hand hold to another. It was VERY frightening. I cried. My dad got frustrated. Not one of our better days (but very memorable). One of our favorite hikes was Cadillac Mountain. It was a 3 mile auto trail that never seemed to end. When I was a pseudo-adult, I rode it on a bike. That was a big accomplishment. Cadillac Mountain is one of the most beautiful places in the world. My Dad used to talk about scattering his ashes there. Then there was the time at Acadia National Park that my Dad was tossing me up and down in the waves at Sand Beach (6-8 foot waves) when I was 3 or 4. He lost his grip when a mondo wave came in, and it sucked me out and then spit me back to shore. I thought I was going to die. I have a little PTSD about that one.

My Dad taught me to fish in Maine. I loved heading out on the pond in the early morning, with the mist rising off the still water, and maybe one loon sounding off from the other side of the pond. Even at 5 or 6 I could appreciate the tranquility.

In my sophomore year in college, my parents bought a Santana tandem road bike, a really sweet one at the time. They were into doing some MS rides and some diabetes rides (the irony is pending). They rode the Santana, and so did I (stoker for my Dad) for a number of years. Then the tides turned. Right about the time I left home to go into the army (After grad from college: 1993), my Dad developed a case of Polymyalgia. Polymyalgia is a rheumatic disease that attacks the skeletal muscles, mostly the bigger ones – hips, thighs, low back, leg – and causes intense pain and discomfort, to include cramping. The range of pain level and intensity, duration and severity ranges by individual. It occurs most frequently in males the age of 60-65. The good news about Polymyalgia is that it spontaneously resolves about 80% of the time 1-2 years with treatment with prednisone. The symptoms come, and then they go for good. This was not the case for my Dad. The symptoms diminished a couple of times, and he tried to go cold turkey off of his prednisone at that time. That was a no go. He continued to need the prednisone to exist, and the prednisone continued to mess with his sugar regulation. He had been diabetic for about 10 years at that point, but had been able to manage his sugar levels on oral medications. With the prednisone on board, however, he was unable to adequately manage his sugar, and he soon began insulin injections. I consider the Polymyalgia the turning point in my Dad’s health. This began a road down numerous infections, subsequent amputations, heart attacks, a quadruple bypass, a femoral popliteal bypass, etc.

Through all of this, if you know my Dad, he was his normal stubborn self. He was driving doctors and nurses crazy until they discharged to home, whether or not my Mom was ready for him. Dad continued to do Financial Advising for Ameriprise to the end, and now my sister-in-law, Brenda Kantor, will take over his legacy. Thank God for Brenda, in more ways than one. Brenda is the one who went up to my Dad’s house on Friday to see that he wasn’t doing well. She called the ambulance. I know that Dad loved Brenda just a daughter, and I’m sure he was happy to have her there at the end.

I can’t remember when I said goodbye to you dad. Was it at my birthday? Or after that? I feel very lucky that you came to see me at a cyclocross race for the first time this year. T

Love – always and forever

Beth

My sincerest thanks to my big brother, Bryan, who has been pouring through documents and pictures up in Massachusetts. These pictures are all courtesy of his hard work and heartfelt emotion. Big brother Dan is up in Vermont and is unable to travel, and may be having the hardest time of all of us during all of this. I love you guys!

Ten Days Away From Home - Kuwait

I left my husband and 2 kids 10 days ago. Saying goodbye at the airport was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I cried all the way through security. Once I was on the plane headed to Ft. Hood, TX, I was doing okay.

We spent about 4 days training (and waiting for a flight) at Ft. Hood, and then got down to business. After about 20 hours of flying, and a couple of stops for refueling, we ended up in Kuwait. Now we are training some more, and waiting on a flight to Iraq. We'll head to Mosul sometime next week. Our time in Kuwait has been useful. We have been able to get acclimated to the time zone (EST + 8 hours), the sandy conditions, and the temperature extremes. Kuwait gets a lot warmer than Mosul does at this time of the year though (unfortunately). Kuwait has been in the 70s most days, while Mosul usually tops out in the upper 50s or low 60s at this time of year. At night they both get down into the 30s.

I've been hanging out with the people I'll be working with all the time in Mosul. Doctors, nurses, pharmacists, lab specialists, etc. What a great bunch of people! It has really been fun getting to know everyone. While we train pretty consistently, we also have plenty of downtime. There is a lot to do here during the downtime. I haven't gotten bored yet. There is a movie theater that shows currently running films every 2 hours (everything is free), at the USO you can play all kinds of games (cards, board games, Wii, pool, foozball, etc). There is a Starbucks wifi hotspot (where I am right now), and I was able to purchase a wireless card for $12 that will last one week. I have been Skyping my family pretty regularly, and the connection has been outstanding (big surprise). I work out a LOT. Running on treadmills is getting old, but there are also spin bikes, and I have access to some Spinerval DVDs while I am here (I'll have to get my own at some point).

On the downside - until we get to Mosul I am living in a huge tent with 17 other women (other high ranking officers), so there is little privacy. I sleep on an army cot, which is taking it's toll on my body (definitely not my Tempurpedic bed). The bathrooms are mostly porta-a-potties. They cleaned in the AM, and are great until about mid-day. When we go out to pee at 3 am, they are pretty ugly. Unfortunately, I pee multiple times throughout the night, and this is also getting very old. I have started shutting off my liquid intake after 6 PM, which is killing me.

I miss my family like mad, but I'm too busy most of the time to think about it too much. The Skype really helps. I miss my bike too (it's coming though), and my Tempurpedic bed (it's not).

I can't wait until I can be back home and planning my cyclocross schedule again!

On the Eve of My Deployment

I love this picture so much. It is such a classic family photo. Today is the day before I deploy. We went skating. Jeff took the camera for a hand held family photo when the skate was over. Cadence was tired, and hungry. This is how tired and hungry manifests itself in Cadence (see picture for details).

We came home after skating, and while dinner was cooking, Cady continued to whine and complain. I gave her a plate of carrots and some ranch dressing. Five minutes later (no exaggeration) she was singing and dancing around the house. This girl is ruled by her stomach. She has her momma's genes. Poor baby. We should tattoo her for everyone else's safety: "Danger: Lethal when hungry".

Now, X Men: Wolverine (for Tyler). Shooting for an 8 o'clock bedtime (after 2 weeks of 11 o'clock bedtimes, a lofty goal!). Tonight is the last night I will tuck them in for 6-7 months. That is pretty rough on me. Not so rough on them. Tyler gets a little emotional about it, but Cadence doesn't really have much concept on how long 6 months is.

Half as long as a year. Counting my blessings. Looking forward with reuniting with friends and family this summer.

Performance Bicycles - A Lambast from a US Soldier

As many of you know, I am on my way to Mosul, Iraq. I just spent some quality time in Fort Hood, TX donning one third of my body weight in body army, firing my M-16, and reacquainting myself with the Army's system of "hurry up and wait". I found out what my address will be, and decided to send some supplies ahead, since I am unable to carry much with me (besides about 400 pounds of "essential" military equipment and a one month supply of toiletries and my laptop). I knew my husband was planning on doing some indoor training this winter, so I decided I would leave my trainer home with him. I went online to Performance Bicycles and I ordered a Cycleops fluid trainer, a trainer mat, a trainer tire and a riser block. I had them all sent to my Mosul address. Shipping was reasonable at about $66.

I received a call today from Performance. They are unable to send my order to Iraq since I ordered with a domestic credit card. If I had an international credit card, then they could ship internationally. WTF?!? I informed the woman on the phone that I was a US Soldier, and even once I was "over there", I would have a US credit card. She said she could ship to a US address and then they (my husband, apparently) could ship it to me. So I should pay for shipping twice? This is how Performance Bicycles treats US Soldiers. I'm calling for a boycott.

Look for the Facebook group.

A Look Back at Downing Park on You Tube (complete with race highlights and interviews!)

Emotions

The closer we get to January 4th the higher my emotional lability. It is a 1:1 relationship. January 4th is when I get on a plane to Ft. Hood, soon to be followed by a plane to Kuwait, then some form of transport to Iraq. People keep asking me "when are you going?". The answer "January 4th" doesn't seem sufficient. Although that is when I am leaving "for good" (hopefully not), I am mini-leaving Wednesday. On Wednesday I am going to Bend, due to the kindness of others, and I am going to give it my all in the Masters Women 40-44 on Friday, and the give it some more on Sunday for the Elite Women. I'll travel home on Sunday, late, and get into JFK on Monday at 0800. I will have time to hug the kids and Jeff, check the next suitcase (already packed with my deployment stuff), and get recharged before my 1500 departure from a small airport closer to home. I will be at Fort Hood until the 22nd of December, and then will be able to enjoy the holidays with the family before the "real" departure.

I survive the days fairly well. The hardest time for me is the kids' bedtime. Each night gets harder. My son (almost 9), started to get moist eyes last night and I picked up on it. I asked if he was okay and he said "I'm sad". That was it. I was a geyser. Tears a-flowin'.

Today, it seemed like everything I did was a goodbye to someone. A last time for something. My tear ducts got a good work out, as I tried to work to control them, doing tear duct kegels. A cool exercise that nobody knows you are doing!

I'm happy to be deploying. If I have to go, now is a very good time. The family is in a very good place at West Point, with extended family close by in Massachusetts. The kids are doing well in the school they are in, and the support system here is great. The deployment should only be about 6 months (can't beat that), and I'll be back in time for prep for cross season '10. I'm anxious to see what Operation Iraqi Freedom is all about, and how I'm set up in my Physical Therapy clinic over there. If only I could shut down my emotional outpourings!